I have no major reason to think this, but I do feel like my time of tearing down is about over. Matter of my opinion I think today might be the last day, don't know for sure. I hope it is.

In time with the Lord this morning He reminded me that through Him I can do all things. This is a popular section of Scripture. Why is that significant for me today? Much of my defeat has come from seeing many of my weakness'. More of my defeat has come from focusing on my weakness'. Through my focus on defeat the enemy took foothold and gave me more defeat.

God reminded me that I can overcome the enemy with just Jesus' Name! He reminded me that I can overcome my weakness' with His Spirit, and I can change my focus with His power! You may be think to yourself, "Duh!" Don't feel bad, I am thinking that too. In the midst of the sky falling how easy is that? Yeah, easier said than done. Or is it?

I think that it is easier done not said. I think that we spend too much time thinking and too little time doing. At least I have. I have spent way too much time focusing on my weakness' and too little time asking God to take over. It is almost like I want the junk to continue. But I don't! I feel like I am in an argument with myself. There is the battle.

Never before in my life have I experienced the "spiritual warfare" as I am now.

God has ripped me apart and tore me down. As I shared a few days ago, I believe God started an extreme makeover in me. Interesting point about that real quick; on the show they take many applicants and choose the most qualified, God chose me, that is awesome! Next, they tear the house down, mine is torn to pieces. Next they rebuild bigger and better, I am ready for that! Not only do they rebuild bigger and better but they build the house to accommodate handicaps, I NEED that. I have many handicaps that only God can work with. Praise God for this time!

In the process of God tearing me down, I believe that Satan has come in with his angels and has done some destruction as well. My wife has helped me to see that some of the destruction has not been Godly. Some results from the destruction are not Godly, therefore it is not from God. Yes, God tore me down. At the same time, in my weakness, I must have allowed satan some foothold as well.

God has tore me down to make me better. But in this time my confidence has gone, some of my hope has gone and my level of sadness if not depression is high. Satan has been telling me negative things about me, and in my weakness I have believed them. The problem is that these are lies! Satan is the father of lies.

Satan has been telling me that I am worthless, not good at anything, not eligible for God's call, not only not a good leader, but a bad leader. He has told me that there is no hope, he has given confusion, self doubt and disbelief. These are not from God!

I felt the enemies presence yesterday in a way that I never have before, more real than ever before, I was freaked out. I suppose that God allowed me to experience the enemy so I would realize what I was into.

Today I am encouraged! Romans 8:37-39 is good news! The first line is absolutely fantastic! "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Then the Scripture goes on to tell us what we are conquerors over, then it tells us that NOTHING can seperates from the love of God!

This morning I reclaim victory in my life. God is in control of me. God is working in me, there is no room for anyone or anything else. This construction site is closed. I am a conqueror through Jesus! Wow!

My whole life I have desired to be great. Growing up I felt like I was ripped off, like I got the short straw, like I was being punished for someone elses problems. I did not choose what home to be born into!
I say that because I was born into poverty, we literally did not have running water or electricity until I was 7 years old. No joke. We had old clunker cars that barely worked. We never had nice things, if we wanted something nice we had to work for it. The reason I began working at age 10 (lawns, baby sitting etc.).

All these years I have been working and living my life trying to be great, trying to be something that I wasn't. I certainly wasn't going to admit I was poor white trash. I was going to be something different, something great!

Through my life I have gotten so jacked over how I was raised that I have gone to the other side of the spectrum, forgetting that my parents were doing everything they knew to do to give me a good life, forgetting that my parents did love me, forgetting that even though they could not give me new clothes, they gave me what they could, they took me to Church.

I think of a section of Scripture at this moment of reflection. Maybe you have heard it before. One part goes something like this: "My righteousness are like filthy rags." Isaiah 64:4-6 Please take a moment to read this. This is a verse I learned when I was little. However it has never meant so much to me until now.

No matter how great I thought I was, no matter how "righteous" I thought I was, I was and have never been better than "filthy rags"! Even today, I am living for Jesus, I work for Him full time vocationally, I am raising my family to follow Him! Still, my righteousness is no better than filthy rags. The good new is in the first couple of verses, we see that God still helps us, disregarding our filthiness!

God is great, I am not! These past few days have certainly been a lesson in humility.

I have shared a couple times this week how my house is getting tore down, that is no exaggeration. I don't know why this week, why this time, why this season, I just don't know. I do know this though, God has the plan.

As I laid in bed this morning reflecting over years gone by I realized that everything has led perfectly to this week. I have never been ready before. I don't know if I needed more story, or I just needed more time.

Allow me to reinforce that nothing has happened this week, there have been no fights between me and anyone, there have been no accusations, nothing. God simply took me on a journey.

Even though I have felt more than defeated this week, God has been more than present. I was brought to an analogy this morning after disciplining my daughter. It was after it was all over, I was sharing with her, helping her to understand the reason we discipline, helping her see why she got where she was and why I was doing what I was doing...to help her see the plan. We have a plan, a plan to help her become the greatest young lady ever, the greatest Christ Follower, the most obedient, well mannered and well disciplined. She can't see the whole plan yet, all she sees is the present.

Just like me, I have problems seeing God's whole plan, all I can see is the present troubles and heartaches.

I have gone through what I believe to be a very pivotal week in my life. I do believe that God has great plan for my life, and I am willing to allow Him to carry it out...no matter how hard it is.

The great news: As with my daughter, there is great reward for her through her behavior. The same with me, there is great reward for me through my behavior. Key point, follow God's plan even when I can't see why.

If you don't want real please don't read on.

Back in the day I used to lie, cheat and steal. I had a terrible conscience about it. However, I didn't want to fix the problems I simply covered them up, that was typically easier. Just like a child "hiding" under a blanket so were my life errors, my life mistakes- my screw ups, they were "hidden" under... well I don't even know what they were hidden under, I just thought I hid them.

I will go back so you can understand a little better. Years ago, I began telling little lies to make things better, little lies to hide something. Little lies that quite quickly became large lies, large lies that became my life.

You don't understand, I had to lie, I had a poor white trash life, I had to do something to fit in, something to get ahead, something to be great. So I did, I would steal money and cover it up. Somehow I managed to get away with almost everything. Sure I got caught a few times, my parents and the law. But I had gotten so good at being dishonest that I was able to get out of it. Not to mention I had a good side too, I had a clean side, yes, I was living two lives.

Before I knew I was a regular little con artist. Cheated my way to a high school diploma, cheated my way in couple sales jobs, and cheated my way into business. I was dishonest.

I screwed relationships with family, friends, employers, and most definitely screwed my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. Yes, I was saved the whole time.

I couldn't live with myself, I needed a way out, I needed a blanket, something big enough to cover everything I had done, every lie I had told. Then I found it, beer. Yes, beer and cigarettes became my best friends, I was closer to them than my friends, closer to them than my family. I found comfort in beer, bacardi and whatever other alcohol I got my hands on.

I was a dirty. Then God came and cleaned my up. He took me out of business, took me away from the bad habits, and delivered me from any blankets. At least I thought.

I have wrote to this subject this week. God has been working me over. He has tore my house down. I realized this week that I have still tried to hide some of my life, mainly dirty parts of my past. No, I am not doing anything stupid right now. The only stupid thing I have been doing is hiding or trying to hide some of my past.

Today, they are out. God is in control. You may be wondering what has happened. The answer is that pretty much nothing has happened, God has just brought me on a mental and emotional journey. God is as I wrote earlier this week, tearing my house down.

I have not been strongly tempted by beer or anything for quite a while, this week, that has changed. Satan is attacking me. The good news is that God is my comfort, God is my shelter. God is my blanket. I don't need anything else.

Be encouraged, I was addicted and dishonest for years, I have not gone back, nor will I. God has delivered me. Even in my delivery, there are still temptations, but God is here this time. He has me in His hand. He has given me a way out.

This week has been an absolute journey for me. I feel as if I have been absolutely torn apart and like I am still tearing.

Have you ever seen "Extreme Makeover Home Edition"? What a great show! If you haven't seen it. They choose a family in need, the family's house is typically falling apart. Then they go and tear their house down and rebuild. It is absolutely incredible!

This is what I feel like God is doing to me this week. I feel like I am the old decrepit house and God is doing an "Extreme Makeover Philip Edition". My stuff is getting tore up if you know what I mean. God is ripping me down emotionally, physically, in all areas of my work and definitely in my leadership. All the skills and talents I thought I had God is tearing to pieces. I guess God is as they say on the show "demo-ing" me this week.

To be quite clear, this week hurts! I feel like such a failure in so many ways, I am seeing so many areas that have not been up to par. I see a filthy old ran down decrepit house. I try to tell myself that I didn't see this before, but I am not being honest. On some levels I have seen this, I have just done what I seem to have done my whole life and I cover it up, or try to explain it away. Like a house with a rotten frame, the sheet rock doesn't hold on forever. God has tore my sheet rock off and my frame is showing.

Am I trying to go all pity party on you? No, I am sharing because I can see what is coming next. I don't believe God is done demolishing me yet, but I can see that when He does get done He will do what they do on the show and rebuild me. That is why, I am sharing my journey as it happens.

Did I ask for this? Yes. I have been praying for God to do this. I just didn't realize that it would be this painful.

My Scripture for this week is Isaiah 64:8 "Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.

I have personalized this and am praying it: Lord, You are my Father, I am the clay, You are the Potter; I am the work of Your hand.

I will keep you updated on my journey.

When you were growing up did you have growing pains? I don't think I ever really did. When I think about it though, I suppose it makes sense, when you grow 3, 4, or even 5 inches in a year, that could be hard on your body and could probably hurt a bit.

I have been on a journey here lately asking God to grow me in different areas. One area I have been asking God for growth in is leadership, which includes administration and organization as well. I have not been bad in these areas, actually I feel that I have been pretty good. The problem is that I have not been great, so that is why I am working and asking God for help.

Immediately into my new journey God began to show me areas to improve. I have been very excited because I am getting tips, methods and strategies for how to be better. Then it hit, yesterday...

What's that they say? In a set of 10 the 11th rep hurts the most but the gives the most gain? Yes. I don't like that. I got an 11th rep yesterday, and I'm sure there are more to come.

I had a situation within my ministry that is like that 11th rep. I think the timing is funny, but at the same time I am ticked that it hurts. I want to grow in this area, I have been asking God to help me and grow me, and He is! I guess I just didn't want the growing pains.

The good news is that through the pain I already see results, growth! I am stoked! I am facing it full force and moving towards it rather than away from it.

The saying is: "Pain is weakness leaving the body." So true! What is it that your are putting off so you don't have to experience the pain of growth?

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7